Chronicles of a SAHM...

I constantly feel like I'm being judged by everyone around me. Some days, I feel like people are looking at me and thinking "I took the easy road" by choosing to stay at home with my kids, other days, I feel like people are talking about me while feeling sorry for my husband because he has to work so much harder now since I want to stay home. Maybe they think all I do is sit around the house watching soap operas while enjoying some bonbons (insert mental image of Peggy Bundy). Maybe they think I can't handle working and being a mother at the same time? I mean shoot, I've never done that before! Maybe they think I'm selfish and I don't want to work anymore.

My youngest daughter made a comment the other day (I'm not sure what made her say this). She said "only daddy and boys go to work", I asked her why she felt that way. She kind of looked at me with confusion and said "because mommy stays home". My husband (love him to death) quickly tried to correct her (because he knew I was already emotional about this topic) by saying "mommy works too. She works very hard for all of us at home". Now, though that is 100% true, mommy still has a job too. I thought I was a Makeup Artist? Did we forget that mommy too has a career? Maybe I don't do it 40 hours a week but isn't it still a job? The feminist side of me had to bite her tongue for the sake of her children.

I got to thinking...MAYBE my subconscious is messing with me. Maybe it's my own inner demons making me feel guilty for not "contributing" to our household. Society has this preconceived notion that a SAHM doesn't do anything. She has all the free time she needs because she is home all day while the husband slaves away at work. A SAHM has no idea what a working mom has to go through. My question to that would be, "does a working mom know what a stay at home mom goes through on the daily? See, I do now. I use to be that person who thought my life was harder than the mom who got to be home with her family. My life was so much more complicated and hectic because I was a working mom on top of everything else I was responsible for. By the time I got home from work, I barely had time to kiss my children goodnight. Stay at home moms were so damn lucky!

I got laid-off about 9 months ago. Though it was strange walking away from a company I had spent the last 11 years with (it became my second home, my second family), it was such an amazing feeling knowing I had more time with my kids and for myself! I had so many plans. I was so excited! You see, I've been working practically my whole life, other than maternity leave, I never had time away from working. Always working long retail hours including holidays. This was finally the time for some me time, more workouts, more reunions with friends I hadn't seen in months, bonding with my children, picking them up from school (finally)...the list goes on. I very quickly found out that all those plans I had for myself were just a dream...I found myself exhausted, beyond words. Mentally and physically. I was overwhelmed and emotional. My only job was to take care of the kids needs, the husband and the house (in whichever order came first) . Who was this person I had become? I felt like I had lost everything I ever was by becoming a SAHM. I was now more tired than I ever could have imagined. I missed adult conversations and lunch breaks. I missed doing what I love, makeup! Eventually we pulled our youngest out of daycare because what was the point of paying for childcare since I was home. But now, the couple hours I did have to myself were gone too. I now had a 3 year old attached to me like a leech with a million questions! God I love that little girl, but boy does she talk a lot! Everywhere I went, there she was. If I finally had a chance to go grab some breakfast with some of my mom friends, there was Aleena, having breakfast with us. Though she is a great kid and very well behaved it still made me miss the person I was when I had 8 hours each day to myself. Isn't it ironic? You want what you don't have, but then miss what you had before...the grass is always greener. I always wished to be a stay at home mom...if even for a little while. I wanted a break. I wanted to be mom. Now, here I am, mother of the year...and all I wish for is to be Matilda...if even for a little while.

You might be asking why I don't just go back to work...I've tried. Hundreds of applications and hardly any call backs. The ones that did call back said I was over-qualified. Which just means "oh crap you got paid really well, we can't match that". It was a constant let down. I was constantly defending myself to companies who didn't want to take the chance on someone "overly qualified". At that point, my husband and I truly believed God had bigger plans for us, in which He did. Let's just say, things are working out for us, for now.

As each day passes, I become more accustomed to this role. My children love that I'm home. My husband loves that life is a bit less hectic when he comes home because now all the things he once had to do are now done by the time he comes home. He now gets to enjoy some time just relaxing and hanging out with his family when he comes home from work. Thankfully, my makeup gigs are up and active so I feel like more than just mom. I'm not going to lie, I still find myself crying and sad after a long stressful day with the kids. Especially when the hubby tells me he is going to lunch with coworkers, I can't help it, I miss that part of my life. But, I'm getting use to this new life. I'm fortunate and very appreciative that God has given me the chance to try this stay at home title out while my kids are still young. I know in the next few months my youngest will be in school too and I'll have some me time. I'm realizing that the grass is only greener on the side that takes the time to water it. We create a life worth living...

Truth be told, I know there are people who are probably judging me and/or wishing they too could stay home because they want a less stressful mommy life. Truth be told...this shit ain't easy! Motherhood is a lot of freaking work. No matter what spin you put on it. Though society aka Mommy Groups/Forums can really mess with your thoughts and emotions...at the end we are all very hard on ourselves. We are never satisfied. We constantly doubt ourselves and belittle who we are in this place called life. We hear voices inside our head telling us we're not doing it right or making us feel guilty for one thing or another. Lets be a support team for each other. Lets cheer each other on instead of tearing each other down. MOMS...working or at home, YOU ARE AMAZING! One is not better than the other. We are in this tribe together. Lets remind each other just how worthy and irreplaceable we are!